


Robin Goes to Texas Roadhouse

by Midna127



Series: Waifu Wars Cinematic Universe [9]
Category: Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Retelling, Seriously though I hate Texas Roadhouse, That stuff's nasty, Wild West
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:29:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24297388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midna127/pseuds/Midna127
Summary: To the town of Agua Fria rode a stranger one fine dayHardly spoke to folks around him, didn't have too much to sayNo one dared to ask his business, no one dared to make a slipThe stranger there among them had a big iron on his hipBig iron on his hip
Relationships: Frederick/My Unit | Reflet | Robin
Series: Waifu Wars Cinematic Universe [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1301696
Comments: 3
Kudos: 2





	1. A Note from the Author

**Author's Note:**

> Just finished my AP exam today aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Hey all. Midna here. Happy day whatever of quarantine, if you're reading this while it's still going on!

With all of the free time I've had, I have been able to write more often. And this is one of those stories.

Similar to "Go Read a Book or Something", this is a crack fic originally made in a Discord server I'm in, made by me. Unlike "Go Read a Book or Something", this is, obviously, a Fire Emblem crack fic.

And it doesn't involve real people at all this time. So that's a first.

So sit back, relax, and try not to take it seriously.

I think we need a lot of humor to get through this.


	2. The Outskirts

A silver-haired man found himself walking on the titular outskirts. "Ah, fuck," he said. "If I had any money, I'd buy a horse. My legs are killin' me."

"I'd carry ye, then," said a voice from behind him. "It ain't gay if you're helpin' somebody."

The man turned around to see three people.

"What 'bout him being broke?" one of the people asked. It was the only girl in the group, who wore her blonde hair in pigtails underneath a cowboy hat. "He don't look so rich."

"I didn't think 'bout that," the first voice said. The voice belonged to a blue-haired man who also wore a cowboy hat. "Sorry- what's yer name?"

The protagonist adjusted his own cowboy hat. "Robin. An' the lady's right. I ain't got nothin' on me."

"He could be lyin', Sheriff," interjected a brunette wearing a cowboy hat. "Y'know there's bandits on these here outskirts."

"Shut up, Frederick" said the blue haired man.

The girl sighed. "Ignore Frederick. He means well, but don't know how to do it right. My name's Lissa, and-"

"Wait, Chrom's the sheriff?" Robin asked.

"An' yet, we never mentioned the Sheriff's name. That only adds to my suspicion," Frederick commented.

Chrom put his hand on Frederick's shoulder. "Suspicions or not, I think we ought to take ye to town an' into our care."

"Really?" Robin asked.

"Yup. We'll put a roof over yer head an' money in yer pockets 'til you're ready to head on out."

Robin grinned. "Huh. Neat."


	3. Ylisse

"A'ight, here we are," said Chrom as the foursome entered a small town. "You'll be stayin' in our local motel."

"Thanks," Robin replied. "Better than takin' a nap on the ground, y'know?"

Chrom patted Robin's back. "Ye read my mind, pardner. So, anythin' we provide for ye?"

"Uh, a few extra blankets, a new pair of shoes, an' some food from Texas Roadhouse."

Frederick, Chrom, and Lissa gasped.

"W-What did I say? I'll take the blankets off the list if it's too much." Robin said.

"The very existence of Texas Roadhouse is equivalent to a racial slur!" Frederick gasped. "He's come to poison this here town!"

Robin blushed. "Sorry, I've been cravin' it for a while. What do ye guys have?"

"Uh..." Lissa said. "Five Guys and a Burger King."

"A'ight, I'll take a Burger King instead," said Robin.

Chrom nodded. "We'll bring 'em to ye."

×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×

Robin sat in his motel room and took a mouthful of his Whopper. "Strange. The Burger King tastes good, but my body refuses to like it. Like it's in my blood, or somethin'."

A knock came at the door. "Robin?" came Frederick's voice.

The silver haired man opened the door. "Howdy, Frederick. Do ye have my new shoes? I wore out my own on the trail."

Frederick held a shoe box. "That, and I owe an explanation for our grudge towards that... place."

"Oh. Yes, please," said Robin as he took the shoe box from Frederick.

"The people of this here town have been constantly attacked by the people of the nearby town Plegia," Frederick explained. "An' every tavern there's a Texas Roadhouse. There ain't no good food or variety in sight."

Robin frowned. "I see. I'm sorry 'bout that."

"The fact that ye crave that... place, makes me hate you solely for that reason."

"Well, in that case, I want you to stay here for company."

Frederick went pale. "Is this because ye didn't get a Burger King kid's toy?"

"Well yes, actually, but no." Robin sat on the bed and patted next him.

The brunette sighed and sat next to Robin. "You'll be the death of me, y'know."

"Huh. Neat."


	4. What You Probably Came Here For

The sun rose on the western town of Ylisse. Robin turned over in bed to find his reluctant pardner with benefits was gone. "Must be out with Chrom," he mumbled. Robin left the motel and immediately bumped into the Sheriff himself.

"Mornin' Robin. Enjoyin' yer stay?" Chrom asked, tipping his cowboy hat.

Robin tipped his back. "'Course I am. But I realized somethin' last night while eatin' my Burger King."

"Ye did? What is it?"

"What if I went to that there neighborin' town- Plegia, was it? And convince 'em to stop attackin' Ylisse?"

Chrom stared at Robin blankly.

"Oh, I get it!" said Lissa, who happened to be nearby. "He'll be seen as a stranger there, just like he was here! Brilliant strategy!"

"It ain't that brilliant," Robin said.

Sheriff Chrom chuckled. "'Course it is. Well, if that's where you're goin', good luck. Don't get screwed over, now."

Frederick, who was accompanying Chrom, looked at the dirt below them. "Too late, m'Sheriff."

×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×

It had been hours since Robin's decision, and he had now begun to regret not asking for a horse or food for the road.

"I think I just wore out my shoes," he sighed. "My brand new Nikes are done for already."

Suddenly Robin could make out a figure galloping towards him in the distance. He could slowly make it out as a familiar looking woman riding atop a horse. But he didn't know how she looked so familiar.

"Howdy, stranger," she greeted as she rode up to him. "You seem troubled." She twirled her silvery hair, which was topped by a cowboy hat.

"Can't say I ain't," Robin replied. "Who are you?"

The woman shrugged. "Just a sweet gal ridin' her horse in the middle of this here desert. You seem famished."

"Yes, ma'am. Just lookin' for a Texas Roadhouse. Unless eatin' that there horse is an option."

"Well, I got good news for you, hun. I can take ye to Texas Roadhouse paradise."

Robin gasped. "I thank ye."

"Get on my horse, an' I'll take ye there," she prompted. The man climbed on.

"Thanks, uh," he began.

The woman chuckled. "Aversa. Come on, let's git." She lightly kicked the side of her horse, and it began walking back to where she originally came from.

×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×

"Well, here we are," Aversa said as they entered a town. "Every tavern here's a Texas Roadhouse, so there's no need to choose which one to go to."

Robin licked his lips. He was finally able to get to his beloved Texas Roadhouse. "Take me to any Texas Roadhouse, I beg you."

Aversa stepped off of her horse, and Robin followed her. "I know one that'll fix ye right up."

The duo stepped inside the restaurant. It looked exactly how a Texas Roadhouse should. Robin and Aversa sat themselves down at the bar, where a bartender stood with his back turned to them.

"Excuse me, sir," Robin prompted. "Can I have-"

Then the bartender turned around. "At long last... he's returned!" the man said.

Robin looked at the man's name tag. "Validar? I ain't never heard a name like that before. Huh, neat."


	5. Reach Out to the Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the title is a Persona 4 reference.

Validar laughed an evil laugh. "It's understandable that you'd see me as a stranger, Robin. That normally happens after someone undergoes amnesia."

"A-Amnesia?" Robin gasped. "Did you do this to me?!"

"Who else would choose to reprogram their son to solely crave Texas Roadhouse, and convince those damn Ylisseans to eat 'em?"

Robin went pale as reality kicked in. "Wait a darn second... I don't even like Texas Roadhouse! Nobody with a shred of dignity does!"

"How else would I get you to enjoy our flavorful ribeye steak, slow-cooked to perfection and served with two sides of your choice?" Validar adjusted his cowboy hat. "Anyways. Join my forces and convert the Ylisseans, or I'll eliminate their town."

"I refuse to side with anybody who has willingly continued to eat Texas Roadhouse food," Robin asserted.

Validar growled. "A'ight. But no matter how much y'all prepare, nothin' can stop my conquest."

"Oh, please," Robin scoffed. "Chrom's the best Sheriff there is."

"Ye idiot. Ye absolute buffoon. I've got somebody better."

Robin laughed. "I'd like to see ye try."

"I think the reprogramming eliminated your brain cells," said Validar. "Now git."

×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×

Robin rushed out of the Texas Roadhouse, with Aversa not far behind him.

"Wait! Robin!" Aversa called. "I got somethin' to tell ye!"

He stopped. "I ain't one to hit a woman," he said. "But I might just do so if what ye tell me is a lie."

"Look, before yer memories were wiped, ye were rather kind to me. I'll return the favor. Validar will send his trust sharpshooter to Ylisse, and will arrive there tomorrow at high noon. Ye have until then to get ye and yer friends prepared. Got it?"

"...I thank ye. I'll be goin' now," Robin replied, and ran out of the town of Plegia.

×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×

"What in tarnation is that?" Lissa asked as a figure ran towards the town of Ylisse.

Chrom gasped. "It's Robin!"

Robin collapsed onto the ground, exhausted from running. Lissa shrieked and ran over to him. "Are ye a'ight?"

"No!" he gasped. "Validar's plannin' on attackin' this here town tomorrow at high noon!"

Frederick glared at Robin. "Gee, I wonder why."

"WHO CARES WHY?!" Lissa cried. "WE HAVE TO PROTECT THIS HERE YLISSE OR ELSE WE'LL BE EATIN' TEXAS ROADHOUSE BREAD ROLLS FOR THE REST OF OUR DAYS!"

Everyone looked at Chrom desperately. He sighed in response. "Lissa's right. We should sleep now to save our energy for tomorrow. Everybody, keep a gun by yer nightstands. We'll kill Validar once and for all."

"We'll get ye somethin' to eat and drink," Lissa told Robin. "Don't worry."

"Thanks," Robin wheezed.

×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×=×

Frederick was about to lie down for the night, pistol at his bedside, when a knock came from his door. "What th- Sheriff?" Frederick asked. He got up from his bed and opened the door. Instead of Chrom, however, there was a hooded figure.

"Sorry to startle ye, pardner," the figure said. His voice sounded a lot like Robin's, but with a description like that, you know it isn't him. "This is just what I wear when I go to sleep."

"Aha..." Frederick said, buying the lie. "What're ye doin' here?"

"I tend to get nervous before a standoff, and usually solve it by eatin'. C'mon, I got some for ye too." He pulled out a plastic bag that suspiciously had no logo on it.

Frederick invited not-Robin into his house, and the two sat on Frederick's bed. Then Frederick sniffed the air. "I do enjoy the taste of chicken tenders and fries, but... the smell seems off."

"Define 'off', pardner," he replied.

"The food don't smell like anythin' from 'round here. And ye ain't actin' so good yerself."

The doppelganger's face remained unchanged. "Really? I'm sure the taste of the chicken is the same, if not better."

Then the truth sunk in. "...Texas Roadhouse..." Frederick murmured. "I should've known. Are ye really who ye say who ye are?"

"I am. Now, be a good boy and open that pie hole of yours."

"NO!" Frederick shouted. "WHY'RE YE DOIN' THIS?!"

The hooded figure smirked. "Follow up question: how's that there chicken tastin'?"

Frederick realized that the man was right. The chicken was now in his mouth. "H-How did ye-?!"

"I said 'How does the chicken taste?'" the man repeated.

"...huh... neat..."


	6. High Noon

Okay it's the next day now.

Chrom, Lissa, Robin, and Frederick stood in the town square. The rest of the townsfolk hid away in their homes.

"It's nearly high noon," said the sheriff. "Everybody ready?"

Lissa nodded. "Yep."

"Certainly," said Robin.

Frederick stood in silence.

Chrom looked at the sky. "Well... it's now a minute past high noon. Where's Validar's attack?"

"Don't know," Frederick shrugged. "Perhaps we should eat while we wait."

"Y'know what? That ain't such a bad idea, Frederick. Whaddya got in mind?" Lissa asked. "Five Guys? Burger King?"

Frederick smirked. "I have a better idea." He then pulled out a plastic bag.

Robin gasped. "I RECOGNIZE THAT SMELL! IT'S TEXAS ROADHOUSE!"

"Ye ain't as Validar and I thought ye were yesterday," said a voice. The hooded figure emerged from inside a nearby barrel.

"Who're you?" Robin asked. "And whaddya mean 'yesterday'?"

The man removed his hood to reveal another Robin. They both wore the exact same outfit, had the same body, and shared the same voice.

"I was in another booth while ye were talkin' to Validar," the other Robin replied. "I'm somebody Validar wishes you were."

"WHAT IN TARNATION?!" the original Robin, Lissa, and Chrom yelled.

Evil Robin chuckled. "Of course, none of y'all recognized me with that hood on."

"But how do you look like Robin?" Lissa asked.

"Originally, Texas Roadhouse was from the future. My future. And in that future, we have a lil' thing called time travel."

"I'm guessin' that means reprogramming my mind also came from the future?" present Robin asked.

Future Robin chuckled. "Yep. I didn't reckon your memories being erased in the process. But that don't matter. Stick with me, my past self, and we'll convert everyone on this here planet to the wonders of Texas Roadhouse!"

"You can convince Frederick," said present Robin, "but you can't convince the rest of us."

"How 'bout this, then?" future Robin asked. "We have a standoff. If ye win, I'll leave this here town alone."

Present Robin began to sweat nervously. "And if I lose?"

"You come with me, and we finish what we started."

"All right." Present Robin pulled out a pistol. "Let's do this."

Future Robin pulled out a similar pistol. "Draw on three. One. Two."

Robin from the present pulled out a Whopper from his pocket. "Three."

"Is that... a Whopper?" future Robin asked, still holding onto the pistol.

"Not just any Whopper," said present Robin. "An Ylissean Whopper. The best of the best, offered to me by my new friends as a token of our friendship. Remember how good it tasted?"

Future Robin blushed at this. "I... yes, but-"

"Care to taste it again?" asked present Robin.

Then future Robin sighed. "...fine. But just so you know, this won't change anythin'." Future Robin approached his past self and grabbed the Whopper. He unwrapped it, took a bite, and swallowed. "I... this..."

"Do ye like it?" present Robin asked.

"...ye win," said future Robin.

Present Robin's eyes widened. "Beg pardon?"

"This Whopper has changed my entire outlook on life. I'll destroy every Texas Roadhouse that has and ever will exist."

Everyone but Frederick smiled at this. An ideal reality was coming to pass.

"Wait, what about Frederick?" Chrom asked.

"Just give him the rest of the Whopper," future Robin explained, "and he'll be fit as a fiddle."

Present Robin nodded. "Thank you, me."

The future Robin began to fade away. "I'm always with you..."

"...Y'know you could've potentially killed yourself, right?" present Robin asked.

"We never got back those missing brain cells," said future Robin as the rest of him vanished.

Robin stared at the spot where his future self stood. "Huh... neat."


	7. I'm not good at names

"I cannot thank you enough, Robin," said Chrom as Robin fed the last of the Whopper to Frederick.

Frederick swallowed. "Me too. I owe ye."

"Huh. I wonder why my future self would go after ye first, though," said Robin. "He's a tough peanut to crack, if ye catch my drift."

Chrom scowled. "They eat peanuts at Texas Roadhouse, Robin. What the fuck."

"Maybe he couldn't wait to see Frederick again?" Lissa suggested.

Robin and Frederick stared at each other in silence and blushed.

"The feelin' is mutual, I reckon?" Robin asked.

Frederick nodded. "I reckon it is."

"A'ight, then," said Chrom. "In honor of Robin's victory, as the sheriff, I hereby will grant him an award to his likin'."

"Well, I reckon Frederick an' I gotta have a place to live, right? A place to raise our children."

Frederick tugged at Robin's robes. "I ain't one for havin' kids."

"Uh, raise livestock together. The two of us."

Chrom nodded. "Well then. A ram ranch it is."

"Huh," said Robin. "Neat."

And then Frederick and Robin lived on Ram Ranch, and it was pretty gay, but in a good way.

The End.


End file.
